"That's the risk you take if you change: that people you've been involved with won't like the new you. But other people who do will come along." -- Lisa Alther
At this stage in my life, I truly feel that I am an authentic person. In the past, I lost people who were important to me because I was afraid to tell the truth about who I am or who I wanted to be.
I grew up in a household where my father was a powerful religious leader in our congregation. My mother has always been an extremely opinionated woman. When I was younger, I believed I would lose their love if I expressed opinions and desires that contradicted my father’s religious faith or my mother’s, sometimes, overbearing views. I kept my opinions to myself and went along with everyone else so as not to rock the boat.
When the time came for me to accept the academic scholarships that were offered to me in my teens, I began to have anxiety attacks. I did not want to disobey my parents’ wishes. Ultimately, I followed what I believed they would want me to do and turned down the chance to go to college.
The further I stepped into my adult life, the unhappier I became. The life I lived was not being steered by me. I was moving only in the direction other people preapproved for me.
It’s been a long journey for me to get to where I am now. It took a lot of soul-searching and numerous heart-to-heart, honest conversations with the people I love in order for me to take the reins of my life. Some people could accept my new stronger attitude, others could not. But I feel it’s been the best decision I’ve ever made!
Now, I am enrolled into college and taking classes that will help me obtain a degree in sign language interpretation. I have friends that share with me the love of art and literature. I am dating a man who loves me, regardless of what my family, friends and peers may feel about whom I should be romantically involved.
Every day I focus on two (ultimate) goals for the day. I ask myself if I am really happy. If the answer is yes, I try hard to hold that feeling close to me all day long. If the answer is no, I focus on writing a list of things I can do to make myself happy and then aim at crossing off at least one thing from that list – the rest I prioritize for the immediate future. The other thing I do each day is ask myself what I can do today that would make someone else happy. If I’m truly happy, the second question usually fills that day’s to-do list.
In whole, this is how I feel I live my most authentic life.
--Chezon Jackson
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